it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
