I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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