first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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