I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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