If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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