either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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