so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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