who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We had sex on a dog bed..
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
