apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
