people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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