I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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