He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
