I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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