his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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