I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
