you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
