After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize