So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
