It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
foreskin is a definite game changer
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
