I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
