Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
