I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
