Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
