he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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