someone get that fucking seahorse.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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