are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
