Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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