I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
