Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
