Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
