homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
