Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
