Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize