I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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