I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
