if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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