remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
