..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
