Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
