don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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