maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
