He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
there is glitter all over my balls
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
