Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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