Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
