We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
