It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
