So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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