Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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