After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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