im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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