I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
