is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
