last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
