I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
barbara walters just said penis...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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