Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
