Where are you?
In a non slutty way
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm getting married
To pizza
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
