it wasn't lemon gatorade
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
