I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Randomize
