Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
