my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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